Fifty Shade of Grey: Movie Review

mv5bmje1mtm4ndazof5bml5banbnxkftztgwntmwnji0mze-_v1_sy1000_cr006311000_al_Movie: Fifty Shades of Grey.

Director: Sam Taylor-Johnson

StudioFocus Features

Release Date: 13. February. 2015 (Spain)

Rating: 0.1/5 Stars.

Actual Movie Name: FIFTY SHADES OF STUPID NONSENSE

Why oh Why doesn’t reality come with a resist button so we can undo the stupid decision we make? 

In view of the next movie in cinema’s now, I thought it was about time I get over my anger, pull myself together and finally write my review of this vanilla eff feast.

First thing is first.

  1. No!  I will not be watching the Fifty Shades Darker in cinemas this weekend. Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice–well not gonna let you fool me twice–so….
  2. This is my review of the movie and not the book.

About the movie: Literature student Anastasia Steele’s life changes forever when she meets handsome, yet tormented, billionaire Christian Grey.

Oh Grey, mine-mine, Mr. Grey. When I first heard about the book, I heard no idea what the words ‘BDSM’ meant. Curiosity, of course, killed the cat, but thank God, I didn’t have to kill a cat, all I needed was Google, and after a minute on Wikipedia… well, ‘I had to know!’

Most of us girls who read the books only enjoyed this story because of Mr. Grey. Yes, I gave the first book 2.8 whole stars, because well, Grey was fascinating.

I’d read the book so going into this movie, I was all smiles and giddy to see what the adaptation would be.

I was expecting a whole lot of this:

Instead, I came out of this movie like:

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

I was one of the first people in line to buy tickets to the E. L. James highly anticipated valentine’s day erotic movie way back when. The sad thing was, I had just arrived in Barcelona the day before and I basically, knew nobody.

But I really wanted to watch this movie, so I and my google map decided to look for the nearest English-speaking cinema. Thankfully I found one, and after a 30min bus ride, I was somewhere outside the center, and safely in the middle of a packed cinema room.

Barely 20 minutes went by when the little voice in my head started going:

No, really seriously, I knew I had made a very horrible mistake when Ana started doing her very over the top awkward interview. I felt so embarrassed for them, I wanted to crawl under a chair and just–die of shame. I know, no one asked me to go see it.

I seriously hated everything about this movie. Every single thing. Well, some good songs did come out of it, but still….

The Plot:

Hahahhahaa what? Plot? What Plot? The whole time I was sitting there wishing the electricity would go out or something, so I’d get a refund. Yes, I knew there wasn’t much of anything going to happen from reading the books, but still, I expected something more, something logical and rational, and like a PLOT. You know, a story? Seriously, a simple storyline, is that too much to ask for?

The characters:

Jesus, were there more people in this movie other than Grey and Ana? I barely saw anyone except the two of them, and of course, so many text messages! Gawwwwwddddddd. One dimensional, boring and just very very awkward. I love Jamie in OUAT, but God, Man, just… this role wasn’t for you man.

The Dialogue:

Christian Grey: Because I’m fifty shades of fucked up, Anastasia.


OMG! The goddamn dialogue. I don’t even know where to start. I felt so embarrassed every time they opened their mouth to talk and every time, I just went:

Didn’t anyone who worked on this movie read the reviews for the book? Seriously, they couldn’t spare money to actually hire a screenwriter who’d dare to change the dialogue?

Anastasia Steele.

Home-girl was very curious to learn about Grey’s life. He of course gladly showed her, and then, of course, she started to cry because apparently, those weak-ass cling-worthy little smacks on the butt he gave her was her limit.

Girl, you made of soft tissues? Like, for real, though, was I the only one who closed their eyes out of embarrassment and felt uneasy during this very awkward scene? Hell, I almost left after that scene but then I figured, I’ve suffered this long.

And then the girl had the nerve after that crying and making a whole lot of noise about how disgusted she was with him, to say–

Anastasia Steel: I have fallen in love with you.

Girl, please! Really? Since when? Like after knowing each other for two seconds? Come on girl, you are joking, right? No really, you can tell me, this is a joke? Where is your common sense woman? Wake the eff up! The stupidity is strong with this one.

This Movie was fifty shades of nonsense! Then again, it is Twilight fan-fiction why I’m I surprise?

I am seriously still disappointed I didn’t get a refund after sitting through that horrible excuse of an adaptation.

After the movie, every time I so much as hear the words Fifty Shad– I go: NOOOO, BURN IT WITH FIREEEE!!!

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Will I be rushing to the cinema to pay for a ticket to see the next movies?

HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA — NO! HELL TO THE FUCK NO!

I read the books. I know what will happen, and so I’m okay with not ever watching the rest of the franchise.

0.1 submissive stars =This movie is the apocalypse, the devil itself, do not touch it!

Eff This!

Mel Out!

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