The Legend of Tarzan: Movie Review

tarzan

Movie: The Legend of Tarzan.

Director: David Yates

Studio: Warner Bros / Village Roadshow Pictures

Release Date: 14. July. 2016 (DK)

Rating: 1.5/5 swinging ape Stars.

Actual Movie Name: SOME BRITISH GENTLEMEN TRYING TO BE A WANNABE TARZAN.

You know when you go to a new restaurant with a friend, let’s say in France, and the menu is in French, and the only words you know in french are, ‘Oui, and Non?’, and so you close your eyes and order something, but, when the food arrives, you find out yours is cook potatoes with dry meat and a very sad looking sauce, and your friends is like a freaking chocolate fountain?

Yeah. This was what this movie was, a sad looking food order that I wish I could send back, but unfortunately, can’t. Let’s get this review over with. First what I didn’t like about this movie.

The Plot: The plot simply put, is stupid. Because. TARZAN. I came here to see TARZAN, not some guy in a suit pretending to crawl and fight like a circus trained monkey. I’m still not sure what this movie was about. There was something about Belgium and then Congo, some guys in white paint? Evil spirits? What? Never-mind, my head hurts. I give up.

Characters: Honestly, none of the characters got developed in this movie, because by the time we meet them, they are already developed. The one person that stood out a little was Samuel L. Jackson, and let’s be honest that mother-father stands out anywhere.

The main character Tarzan was like a depressed teenager punk, he spent the whole movie being a one dimensional character and going: Bla bla my mother died, bla bla bla I don’t want to be Tarzan, bla bla bla bla something about evil spirits. Gawd… the apes had more depth.

TEASING FLASHBACK: Mr. Director sir, the movie I wanted to see was the one you didn’t show, and instead teased me with. I’d have loved to see that movie, because that’s the TARZAN I love, actually it’s the TARZAN you promised, the one I thought I was going to get, but you didn’t give me. So, yeah, maybe you want to make a prequel? Yeah? No? Okay.

This movie felt like a sequel, a different movie, something pretty to look at but it wasn’t what I asked for. I know I said I wanted coffee, but I would never say no to a cup of cappuccino.

This wasn’t the movie I wanted to see, and the epic flashbacks made it worse, because it seemed like a very awesome movie that the director didn’t want to show us.

I’d have love to see that dirty scared little Tarzan running away from the scary ape father who hates him, instead of this sad excuse Tarzan.

A few quick mentions of more things I didn’t like.

Tarzan’s cloths, character, logic, everything.

Tarzan becoming a murderer.

Tarzan pretending to be mysterious and keeping us guessing whether or not he speaks ape language. Boy, your mother is an ape, get over yourself.

With that said, there were a few things, that I actually liked-ish.

The visuals were great, but I was shaking my head at the plot to fully appreciate it. Again, I like my order of food, but I want my friend’s chocolate fountain.

The flashbacks were intriguing, but every time they ended, I went back to being annoyed and bored at the same time. Which is pretty hard to do.

That’s it. Nothing else was that special, because I got super bored after the first half and just rolled my eyes and prayed for it to be over.

Chief Mbonga: Where was your honour?

John Clayton: I had none.

Did I mention Tarzan’s new name was John? Like JOHN? Seriously?

Frankly this movie wasn’t bad, really, it wasn’t, but it wasn’t what I wanted to see. I wanted to see a movie about TARZAN, not a movie about some British guy in suit drinking freaking tea. Just NO.

Actual Movie Name: SOME BRITISH GENTLEMEN TRYING TO BE A WANNABE TARZAN.

Rating: 1.5/5 swinging ape stars = Meh. This movie had its moments but it just wasn’t for me.

Hahahaha, Tarzan in a suit, drinking a cup of tea with his picky in the air, dafug!!!

Mel Out!

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2 comments

  1. I really enjoyed your review!! It seems like I enjoyed it a little more than you did, but I do agree with you!! I loved the flashbacks and I really wish we could have seen that instead!!

    Liked by 1 person

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