Batman v Superman: Movie Review

Batman_v_Superman_poster

Movie: Batman V. Superman: Dawn of Justice.

Director: Zack Synder

Studio: Warner Bros / DC Comics

Release Date: 24. March. 2016 (DK)

Rating: 0.5/5 Stars.

Actual Movie Name:  BATMAN AND THE MAN WHO’S MOTHER HAD THE SAME NAME AS HIS MOTHER!

Dishonor. Dishonor on the director, dishonor on the plot, dishonor on the whole DC universe!

I’ve been wronged. I was very wronged and for that I demand an apology from everyone who had anything to do with this movie, from extras, to the set crew, to the director!

Someone owes me a mother-effing-apology! And I need it now, in a huge neon sign across the goddamn sky.

What the eff did I just watch? No, seriously someone please tell me this wasn’t it. Tell me this wasn’t the movie I spent months hyping over! DAFUG?

SHIT

No, there’s nothing in this movie that I liked. Well, maybe the action scenes, some were okaii. BUT, that was it. Nothing about this movie is worth mentioning.

I am not ashamed to admit this, so I’d say it, when Men of Steel was coming out, I acted like a giant dork over it. I won’t shut up about it, and I practically slept at the cinema on the day of the release. Yes, I am a huge Superman fan, no seriously, I’ll see anything with Superman in it. So when I heard that BvS was coming out, I was like, SHUT UP AND TAKE MY MONEY!!!

So, imagine my surprise when the lights came on after the movie, and I kept sitting down in my seat going… “what? what? did he just… MARTHA?”

Jesus Mother of F***!

OH HELL NO!

Going into this movie, I thought it would be a sequel to Man of Steel, because that was what I was promised, instead what I got was a movie about how Batman built an iron suit, went psycho and killed people, kept remembering his dead mother, and then forgot that MARTHA was a freaking common name. What?

I can list 101 reasons why I HATE this movie with a burning passion, instead I’ll settle for a few.

FIGHT: The big fight that the movie built up to, ended with ‘MARTHA’!!!! MAR-FREAKING THA! Hahahaha. It’s so painfully funny.

You know when in movies, or even in books there’s this very awkward and sad moment that makes you cringe and shy away, so you end up closing your eyes uncomfortably, and going ‘No, man, please don’t do that’, and just wishing it would stop?

‘Save… save mar..tha.’ Superman cried/mopped/begged.

Yeah. I had that awkward, uncomfortable feeling, the moment that ridiculous scene played. At first, my mouth was opened in shock and horror, and then I closed my eyes really really hard, and wished we got the wrong movie, and this wasn’t the final cut, because that would be very very very sad. Unfortunately for me, it was, and alas, I couldn’t give this movie more stars.

FREAKING BATMAN or Madman or whatever: he just straight up killed people and then decided not to go through with why he’d been acting like a cave-punk, and instead bowed, because his enemy’s mother had the same name as his mother.

MAR-FREAKING-THA!

Don’t get me wrong, BATMAN is amazing, he’s awesome, I mean, he’s Batman, so why can you not like him. His Lego version is even awesome! But in this movie, although Affleck was great, this punk-ass plot just made me dislike him. Meh.

BATMAN beats the shit out of SUPERMAN. HAHAHA, faster than a speeding bullet, can super speed/zoom away, but couldn’t zoom pass a cloud of kryptonite, or the bullets for that matter? Ridiculous. Superman didn’t even get to prove himself in this movie, he just got his arse handed to him by a man in a freaking iron suit. Gawddd!

SHIT

LEX LUTHOR. None of his reasons to be the bad guy made sense. I’m not even sure why he was in this movie. Just, No.

SUPERMAN and his PUNK-ASS. I never thought there’d come a time, or even be a moment why I’d hate Superman, but thanks to Zack Synder I now do. I mean, the only thing he did in his movie was put on a cope, mope around, and then die. He wasn’t a superman, he was a super-bore. Argg.

Although, to be honesty the 0.5 stars I gave this movie were for him, because I just really really love him. And can’t really hate him, not even when I want too.

PLOT. I’m not sure if I could call it that. This movie was more of an exposition to let fans know why Batman would be the one assembling the Justice League and not Superman. The plot was a huge let down and non-existing just like my rating.

Previously on The Batman v. Superman plot.

Batman: Alfred I have to kill that alien guy who just saved the entire planet.

Alfred: You mean the one who is faster than a speeding bullet? Can fly? Super strong, fast, can spin around the planet and turn back time? Make fire with his eyes? Can freeze things with his breathe? The one who can travel through space in just a cape? The one they call SUPERMAN? You want to kill him?

Batman: Yes? I’ll build an iron bat-suit, then hope some bored billionaire will find the one thing that can kill him and then I’ll make some smoke bombs, a few bullets and then I’ll win.

*Five minutes later* Iron-bat has achieved the impossible. He has SUPERMAN where he wants him.

Batman: OMG, Alfred, I can’t believe it. My plan miraculously worked! I actually defeated Superman.

Alfred: What? Really? That’s impossible. So, now what? Are you going to kill him for saving people?

Batman: Oh no, of course not, we are best friends now, because guess what, his mother has the same name as my mother. She’s called Martha.

Me:SHIT

Whoever wrote that plot twist might had been drunk or crazy, or both. My money is on both.

DOOMSDAY: HAHAHAHAHA, not even going to start on that one.

FREAKING MARTHA.

LOIS LANE: I have no idea why Lois Lane was in this movie. Did she do something, other than scream and fall and get save?

SUPERMAN DYING: How can you make a movie about… you know what, I won’t even bother.

FREAKING MARTHA.

I’m crying for Justice League, because Synder is gonna direct again. Who keep given this guy money to ruin our heroes? Hey Synder, guess what, you ruined my hero, congratulations, jerk!

Superman: “Stay down! If I wanted it, you’d be dead already!”

Really? Please, want it, want it and kill me, so I can forget about this rubbish.

Will never watch this movie again, not even if Superman himself begs me too!

I wish I can circle around the planet and turn back time so I can stop myself from seeing this nonsense.

Rating: 0.5 = This movie is the apocalypse, the devil itself, do not touch it!

Mel out!

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s